View Full Version : Want Fun? Read a JOKE :)


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TheSpecialBoy
21-11-2002, 04:00 PM
I thought that a Joke posti will bring more happyness and tolerance between some :agrue: members :roll:

I will not try to post everyday a joke here, But if the wave will decide to do so, at the end of the year we might have here 1000`s posts.

Dont`t know also if somebody else try this, but it will be :D FUN

TheSpecialBoy
21-11-2002, 04:07 PM
The Keen Texas Salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered. The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day.

"I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?!?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22- foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

:)
21-11-2002, 05:48 PM
LoL :D

Okay here's another one:

A Man, His Wife And The Cop

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror
pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a
stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour
zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife
dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't
you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Gadget17
22-11-2002, 08:09 AM
New Cellular Phones

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts dialing numbers... like a telephone...but on the back of his hand.

He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.

The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says "Prove it!", so the guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.

The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a brief conversation. "That's incredible", says the bartender, "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in, and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't return.

Fearing the worst, given the violence in the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room.

The guy is spread-eagle against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy casually turns around, and says: "No, I'm OK. I'm just waiting for a fax."

TheSpecialBoy
22-11-2002, 03:28 PM
The Genius SHEPER

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a SHEPER standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The SHEEPER replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

samthepaokfan
22-11-2002, 03:44 PM
My contribution ??? Euh... here it is !!!

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly. But more importantly, imagine the slogans...

Nike Condoms: Just do it
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: The ride of your life
Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?
Optus Condoms: Yes!
KFC Condoms: Finger lickin' good
Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop
Sydney Olympic Condoms: Share the spirit
Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum (available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected
VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now
Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it...
Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek - (target gay market)
Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together
McDonald's Condoms : Things that make you go mmm..........

:onfire: filakia :onfire:

samthepaokfan
22-11-2002, 03:48 PM
(this post is just because I do not like the number 249, my previous post numbers, and I wanted to close this Friday with... 250 posts...)

:onfire: filakia :onfire:

TheSpecialBoy
24-11-2002, 12:59 PM
Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty-four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there's a bright flash... and his legs fall off!

TheSpecialBoy
25-11-2002, 07:37 AM
Thanksgiving Prep

He laid her on the table

So white clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat

He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast

And then drooling felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set,

He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide...he looked inside

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms..........

And then he stuffed the turkey.

:)
25-11-2002, 03:51 PM
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!

A telephone company fired their president after nine months,
saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not the president who's
lacking intelligence...

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting to please come out
and give himself up...

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts...

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day
suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last
week - for a mint! The boy allegedly told a classmate that the
mints would make him "jump higher." Also, a student in Belle,
West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. The school principal reiterated the
school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with
the "zero-intelligence" policy...

A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46
teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas convenience store and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the
take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked
the counter himself for three hours until police showed up
and grabbed him.

TheSpecialBoy
27-11-2002, 11:32 AM
12 Things You Should Never Say When Pulled Over

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

TheSpecialBoy
27-11-2002, 11:34 AM
Since I got few feedbacks, I just wonder.. Shall I stop posting jokes?

Hm.. I guess I am just passing a Low Inner Confidence these Days :roll:

JyriK
27-11-2002, 12:38 PM
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
:D :D :D
No, keep them coming...

jprz
27-11-2002, 07:54 PM
I don't know any joke. :cry: What should I wrote here instead? :-?

:)
29-11-2002, 11:49 AM
You could laugh :D

You don't have to post a joke, we'll garuntee there's enough to keep your guys laughing every morning when your boss comes and checks if you finished that report you're supposed to hand in a month ago.

TheSpecialBoy
29-11-2002, 12:52 PM
A middle aged couple is watching TV when a TV Evangelist comes on and promises to heal the sick.

"If only you would pray with Him, place your right hand in the air, and place your left hand on the afflicted area, the Almighty Lord will heal you."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch and his wife says "Gee honey he said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

:roll:

TheSpecialBoy
01-12-2002, 03:48 PM
The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

MaleBuffy
01-12-2002, 03:57 PM
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHahahahahhahahahhaha!

TheSpecialBoy
01-12-2002, 03:59 PM
Admin can delete this if is 2 offensive or big ;)

TheSpecialBoy
04-12-2002, 01:21 PM
God And Eve In The Garden Of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well ... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring ... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret...

"You know, woman to woman."

LAuRA
04-12-2002, 01:22 PM
:D :D :angel: :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
04-12-2002, 01:26 PM
A Temporary Solution At Best

I've been dating my girlfriend for a long time, and it's no secret that she's knockout beauty. And even though I'm delighted to have such a good-looking girlfriend, it was a big problem when we began dating each other.

Every time I saw her, I'd get a massive erection. There was nothing I could do to control it. It just happened!

Obviously, I didn't want to have this happen when I picked her up for our first date (at least not until after dinner). So I decided to tie my penis to my leg with a rope. I tied that thing down TIGHT, too.

It would've worked great, but unfortunately my girlfriend answered the door in a sheer teddy. There was nothing I could do to control it: I kicked her right in the face!

LAuRA
04-12-2002, 01:50 PM
this is even more cheeeesy than 4u2nv's chat up lines...

Talking about big bulky things: a communicator is so much more manageable don't you all agree? :D

JyriK
10-12-2002, 01:59 PM
Need more jokes :( now :D please

TheSpecialBoy
10-12-2002, 02:41 PM
pice Up Your Marriage

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.

"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

TheSpecialBoy
10-12-2002, 02:42 PM
Three Friends' Funerals

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one
Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you all want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

JyriK
10-12-2002, 02:47 PM
Thanks :D :D made my day :D

GhostDog
10-12-2002, 03:00 PM
I'm laughing my behind off :D
Stop it,stop i say.
My brother definitely thinks that something is wrong with me.

Shadow
10-12-2002, 03:40 PM
what did this kid saw??

TheSpecialBoy
10-12-2002, 05:57 PM
:P

seanmiguel
11-12-2002, 05:20 AM
LMAO!!! :D :D :D

it's really nice to drop by this thread once in a while. 8)

kobe24
13-12-2002, 06:52 AM
I must have read a ton load of jokes but the jokes that I've read here are new to me.

:D , keep 'em comin' :popcorn:

TheSpecialBoy
13-12-2002, 01:06 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Fast Turtle

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing," the man responds, "This turtle is very fast."

"No turtle is fast," replied the bartender.

"OK," said the man. "Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room where it narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the wall.

"Told you it would be there before your dog."

TheSpecialBoy
13-12-2002, 01:07 PM
pplying For Social Security

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."

kobe24
14-12-2002, 02:15 AM
:D

FOX HOUND
14-12-2002, 11:27 AM
only pics :D

FOX HOUND
14-12-2002, 06:15 PM
man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctor's office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'.
"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'.
"So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."

The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says,
"So are we going to tell your husband or what?"

kobe24
17-12-2002, 01:48 AM
So where is today's dose?

TheSpecialBoy
17-12-2002, 09:25 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Being Properly Equipped

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

seanmiguel
17-12-2002, 09:38 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Being Properly Equipped

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

AHAHAHA!!!! :D

FOX HOUND
17-12-2002, 11:00 AM
LOOOOOOOOOOOL nice one
check this out
In a empty Cathedral there were four sisters waiting to go into
confession. The first sister went in the father said, "What is your
sin sister?"
The sister replied, "Well I was in the super market and I saw an
attractive looking man and then rubbed my hand against his butt."

The father replied, "Pray five times to our father, and wash your hands
in the holy water."

The second sister went into the confession box and the father asked,
"What is your sin sister?"

She replied, "I was in an elevator and I saw an attractive looking man
and I reached out and grabbed his butt."

He replied, "Pray ten times to our father, and scrub your hands in the
holy water.

"Before the third sister went in the fourth one leaned over and said,
"Let me go first.

"The third sister asked, "Why?"

"I want to gargle the water before you sit in it."

FOX HOUND
17-12-2002, 07:32 PM
A Priest wanted to earn money for his chuch. He has heard there
was money in horse racing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it
in the races. However at the local auction the going price for horses
was too steep and the Priest ended up buying a donkey. The Priest figured
since he had the donkey he might as well enter it in the races. The
donkey came in third. The following day in the Racing forms the
headlines appeared: "Priest's Ass Shows". The Priest was so pleased with
the donkey that he entered the donkey in the races the next day also. The
donkey won!!! The Racing form headlines read: "Priest's Ass Out In
Front". The Bishop was so upset with this type of publicity that he
ordered the Priest not to enter the donkey in any more races. The
headlines read: "Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass". The Priest mentioned
the episode in a posting he did to a Newsgroup on the Internet. This
resulted in the headline, "Priest's Ass On Line." This was too much for
the Bishop and he ordered the Priest to get rid of the donkey. The Priest
gave the animal to the nearby Convent. The following day the headlines in
the newspaper read: "Nuns Have Best Ass In Town". The Bishop fainted. He
ordered the Nuns to get rid of the animal. So they sold it to a farmer
for $10.00. The next day the paper read: "Nuns Peddle Ass for Ten Bucks".
They buried the Bishop. The following day the headlines read: "Bishop
Died From Too Much Ass".

TheSpecialBoy
17-12-2002, 07:56 PM
Good ones. As I have finished the post counts for today, I cannot post more.

But tommorow,you will have a new one :o

seanmiguel
18-12-2002, 01:53 AM
pick one, click it and turn up the blasters. 8)

pranks calls!!!!! :D

http://users2.ev1.net/~prank/opc.htm

seanmiguel
18-12-2002, 01:59 AM
on second thought click the first one! it's dang funny!!!!

http://users2.ev1.net/~prank/opc.htm

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
18-12-2002, 05:00 PM
:roll:

FOX HOUND
18-12-2002, 09:38 PM
A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. "How could that be," the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
:D :D :D

seanmiguel
19-12-2002, 01:41 AM
A police officer was assigned to stake out the parking lot of a rowdy bar and watch for possible violations of drunk-driving laws. Watching from his car, the cop saw a patron stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, then try to open the doors of a dozen cars before finding his own car and collapsing in the front seat, where he remained immobile. And where he continued to remain immobile as the evening progressed and others left the bar, started up their cars, and drove away. Finally, with the parking lot all but empty, the patron pulled himself to an upright position, started the car, and attempted to pull out of the lot. Immediately the cop pounced, pulled the motorist from the car, and administered an on-the-spot Breathalyzer test. The result: 0.0% blood alcohol content. "How could that be," the cop asked asked the motorist. "Simple," the driver said. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
:D :D :D

hehe... :D

seanmiguel
19-12-2002, 03:54 AM
A little blonde girl comes home from school and runs to her mom saying,
"Mommy, today at school we learned how to count and all the other girls
could only count to 5, but listen to me 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 -
that's good isn't it?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day the little girl comes back from school - "Mommy, today at school we learned the alphabet, and all the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H - that's good isn't it?"

"Yes darling, very good."

"Is that because I'm blonde?"

"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."

Next day she returns from school - "Mommy, today we went swimming. All the other girls had no breasts, but look at me." She proceeds to flash her impressive 38ds at her mom. "Is that because I'm blonde Mommy?"

"No darling, it's because you're 23."

no offense to blondes... :D :D :D

LAuRA
19-12-2002, 07:32 AM
I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
:D

seanmiguel
19-12-2002, 08:16 AM
I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
:D

:D 8) :D

FOX HOUND
19-12-2002, 12:37 PM
I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
:D
i was going to post one today :D :D :D

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

seanmiguel
20-12-2002, 01:45 AM
I was already wondering when the blonde jokes would start to appear...
:D
i was going to post one today :D :D :D

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0, and it's a memory hogger! It has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw. These too slow down the system and cause a slow drain on the resources and well-being of the computer.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0:

1. A "Don't remind me again" button.

2. Minimize button.

3. Shutdown feature - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects).

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed; they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks--in all versions of Girlfriend that I've used is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Bug warning
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

:rofl:

TheSpecialBoy
20-12-2002, 10:48 AM
Here comes one according to latest posts.

I removed blonde, so no ofence would be taken ;)

Her First Visit

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

LAuRA
20-12-2002, 12:28 PM
:D

LAuRA
20-12-2002, 12:31 PM
Wow, just realized that was my 101st post! And immediately I became 'older' ;)

I feel like I just joined the community, when did all those posts appear?
Glad to be here anyway!

FOX HOUND
20-12-2002, 12:50 PM
it's not that good but what the hell
Merry Christmas Evrybody :D
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for
his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him
down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina,
snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head,
and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'"

FOX HOUND
20-12-2002, 01:18 PM
that's for women evrywhere

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a female.
We should've known.

Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
:D :D :D

Special
20-12-2002, 01:45 PM
Don't tell me it is posted before! :D check it out! :D
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman posts an adv in the news paper that looks like this...
"Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed."

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell,didn't I?"
8)

GhostDog
20-12-2002, 01:51 PM
Don't tell me it is posted before! :D check it out! :D
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman posts an adv in the news paper that looks like this...
"Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed."

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell,didn't I?" 8)

That os the most morbid joke i have ever heard. :-?
:D

TheSpecialBoy
20-12-2002, 02:28 PM
I wish to be morbid sometimes :D I mean to have morbidity :oops: mobility

kobe24
07-01-2003, 09:52 AM
Ran out of jokes??? :roll:

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:19 AM
Ran out of jokes??? :roll:

Nope, just hollyday season until 10-th of January :D How's Business?

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge. Three hookers stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irrate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:20 AM
The Flea Experiment

A scientist was performing an experiment on the verbal reactions of fleas. He had trained a flea to jump on command. The scientist would command the flea, "Jump flea!" and the flea would jump. Then the scientist would proceed to pull off one of the fleas legs with a pair of tweezers and write a comment in his notebook.

The scientist did this many times until the flea had only 1 leg left. The scientist commanded, "Jump flea!" and the flea made its best effort to jump, which the scientist recorded in his notebook.

After he pulled off its last leg, the scientist again commanded the flea to jump, and after repeating the command many times without the flea responding he jotted down in his notebook, "After the flea loses all of its legs it becomes completely deaf."

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:21 AM
She Changed Me

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
:o

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:23 AM
Ever got in a plane?

Then you know how it feels when someone sais so:Airline Anecdotes

Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.....it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

>From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:25 AM
The Census Taker

For anyone who has ever had surgery:

What It Means.

Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by.

She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:27 AM
Was it enough for today? I must be drunk or so...

It Must Be The Drinking

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."

"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 10:50 AM
Attorney Hunting

A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys

372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport ing (non-commercial) purposes.

372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.

372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.

372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.

372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals.

372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same.

372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day: Yellow-bellied Sidewinders:

2 Two-faced Tort-feasors:

1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators:

3 Horn-rimmed Cut-throats:

2 Minutiae-advocating Chickens:

4 Honest Attorneys: 0 (Protected, Endangered species.)

FOX HOUND
07-01-2003, 12:31 PM
wow down boy
TheSpecialBoy is ON FIRE :onfire:

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

FOX HOUND
07-01-2003, 12:38 PM
that's for all the women out there

Exotic Male Dancer

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.

Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet and thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

LAuRA
07-01-2003, 01:30 PM
Ha ha ha... I think... 8)

I guess TheSpecialBoy had all those jokes bottled up during xmas brake and no place to post them. So now he's fireing :popcorn:

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 01:39 PM
Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 01:40 PM
Thinking On Your Feet

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half...

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?

:bday:

LAuRA
07-01-2003, 01:52 PM
What's the joke here? Finnish womens' ice hockey team has played very well e.g. in olympics lately - don't know about canadiens though :D

N9210
07-01-2003, 03:44 PM
Only WHORES and HOCKEY players in Canada...

... my wife is from Canada....


Oh....what hockey team does she play for....


Get it????

TheSpecialBoy
07-01-2003, 03:47 PM
don't know about canadiens though :D

There was a smile...Got It?

I meant Laura made a joke. Or you are also a Hokey player :)

seanmiguel
08-01-2003, 01:46 AM
dang it!!! you lost me there special boy! dunno which one to read first! :D

seanmiguel
08-01-2003, 10:20 AM
here's my share: :D

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
> activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't
> speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
> After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
> right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
> stuffed pillows on her right.
>
> A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
> family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started
> leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a
> pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
>
> A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi
> Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
>
> Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
> "They won't let me fart."

:D :D :D

TANKERx
09-01-2003, 08:51 AM
Sorry it's long, and I hope nobody is offended!

FOX HOUND
09-01-2003, 10:11 AM
A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

FOX HOUND
09-01-2003, 10:16 AM
A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

FOX HOUND
09-01-2003, 10:25 AM
Color Television

One day, a man walked into an appliance store.
"Do you sell color televisions?"

"Yes," said the clerk. "Yes, we do."

"Then give me a green one."

8)

TheSpecialBoy
09-01-2003, 11:02 AM
:D :D :D :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
09-01-2003, 11:03 AM
Fifty-Fifty

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."

seanmiguel
10-01-2003, 02:59 AM
> Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his
> father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den,
> and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears,
> he began to howl loudly.
>
> The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he
> jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For
> Pete's sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

:D :D :D

FOX HOUND
10-01-2003, 12:37 PM
good one with the dog :D :D :D

Beer Brothers

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

FOX HOUND
10-01-2003, 12:42 PM
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''
There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.
The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!''

FOX HOUND
10-01-2003, 12:46 PM
Keeping In Under The Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
10-01-2003, 12:48 PM
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
:) I am so sorry I have only sisters. I would have quit today :)
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
10-01-2003, 01:02 PM
Over Quota

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

LAuRA
10-01-2003, 01:16 PM
- I just quit drinking."

Talking about new year's resolutions... :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
10-01-2003, 01:30 PM
:angel:

TheSpecialBoy
10-01-2003, 01:31 PM
Guy On The Island

>From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small
island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

FOX HOUND
11-01-2003, 12:17 PM
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman

One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

FOX HOUND
12-01-2003, 01:07 PM
Adam and Eve

Heaven was getting a bit crowded, so Peter began giving quizzes to see who should get in. A man ascended to heaven, and came to the gates.
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.
"Adam."
"That's correct. Enter." Soon another man came along.
"Where did Adam and Eve live?"
"Eden."
That's correct. Enter." Then Mother Theresa came along.
"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"
"Mmm, that IS a hard one."
"Enter."

FOX HOUND
12-01-2003, 01:22 PM
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."

meitsi
12-01-2003, 01:49 PM
hehhehehh :D :D

seanmiguel
13-01-2003, 06:43 AM
:D :D :D :D :D gee, really love this thread!

TheSpecialBoy
13-01-2003, 10:33 AM
Mrs. Jones, Do You Know Me? (Best Ever)

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

FOX HOUND
13-01-2003, 12:25 PM
Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the USA:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

LAuRA
13-01-2003, 12:30 PM
Actual School Excuse Notes


16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.



Oh my god, this is the best, perhaps I should try it :roll: :D

TheSpecialBoy
13-01-2003, 12:32 PM
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.


Damn...are those real.. Really...... :cry: :D :( :o :) :D

D--I am sunt ;)

i can spell stoned ao stunted]d

LAuRA
13-01-2003, 12:37 PM
You can spell whoat? :D

TheSpecialBoy
13-01-2003, 04:41 PM
hehehe,

Just increasing my post in this one.. 8)

seanmiguel
14-01-2003, 01:50 AM
Actual School Excuse Notes


21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.



now this one rocks!!! :D

TheSpecialBoy
14-01-2003, 09:45 AM
All The Thanks I Need

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

seanmiguel
14-01-2003, 10:01 AM
All The Thanks I Need

LOL!!!!!!!! kiss this!!!!! :D :D :D

LAuRA
14-01-2003, 11:44 AM
I always knew the word cheek had double meanings :D

FOX HOUND
14-01-2003, 01:36 PM
excuse me LAuRA but i can't stop them anymore


Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.
''Easy,'' she replied. ''He only has one eye.''

The chief was stunned. ''He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!'' He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

''He only has one ear,'' was her answer.

''What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!'' He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, ''How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer.''

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, ''He's wearing contact lenses.''

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, ''How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!''

''Well,'' she said, ''he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?''

:D :D :D

LAuRA
14-01-2003, 01:39 PM
:D :D :D

FOX HOUND
14-01-2003, 01:41 PM
Blonde and Genie

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish. The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went. Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went. The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

FOX HOUND
14-01-2003, 01:53 PM
ok this one for you LAuRA trust me

http://www.jokes.com/schtuff/blonde/

LAuRA
14-01-2003, 03:10 PM
Well, I must say that even blonde jokes are better than brunet jokes :D

Or maybe Kimberly just isn't so talented ;)

FOX HOUND
14-01-2003, 04:25 PM
Well, I must say that even blonde jokes are better than brunet jokes :D

Or maybe Kimberly just isn't so talented ;)
i think she's out there just for reveng
she is like a Ferrari without wheels :D :D :D

FOX HOUND
15-01-2003, 09:28 AM
A Brief History Of Medicine

I have an earache.

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

:D

FOX HOUND
15-01-2003, 09:36 AM
An Amazing Connection With God

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

MaleBuffy
15-01-2003, 02:49 PM
Heres my contribution!

FOX HOUND
16-01-2003, 12:03 AM
:D :D :D :D :D :D

seanmiguel
16-01-2003, 09:54 AM
Heres my contribution!

:D :D :D laura must be dying of laughter!!! :D

TheSpecialBoy
16-01-2003, 09:59 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Trust

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.


Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.


Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.


Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.


Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.


Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.


Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

TheSpecialBoy
16-01-2003, 10:03 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Risky Proposition

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

FOX HOUND
16-01-2003, 12:46 PM
:D :D :D :D
where have you been SnowMobile
:D :D :D :D
--------------------
Applying for a Job at the CIA


A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

FOX HOUND
16-01-2003, 12:56 PM
Best Excuse For Speeding

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said.

''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!''

''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

LAuRA
16-01-2003, 08:14 PM
Heres my contribution!

:D :D :D laura must be dying of laughter!!! :D

yep :D :D

Now I only need a $100 to get someone clean my house ;)

TheSpecialBoy
16-01-2003, 08:16 PM
I can clean yours...

LAuRA
16-01-2003, 08:18 PM
8) :oops: 8)

TheSpecialBoy
17-01-2003, 09:32 AM
I hope to see some reactions on this one :D

----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies...

.. "You just happened to catch my eye."

TheSpecialBoy
17-01-2003, 09:36 AM
Hehehe

LAuRA
17-01-2003, 09:45 AM
Reactions... hmmm... let me think, first I just need to collect my senses :D

seanmiguel
17-01-2003, 10:38 AM
I hope to see some reactions on this one :D

----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Glass Eye

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies...

.. "You just happened to catch my eye."

:o :o :o

TheSpecialBoy
17-01-2003, 02:23 PM
At the local garage a blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and another customer asked,

"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

TheSpecialBoy
17-01-2003, 02:25 PM
Of course, this was in the Blonde Category, for shure :D

Damn, i just realized I am married with a Blonde :o

FOX HOUND
18-01-2003, 01:03 PM
Bush BM

President George W. Bush is hit by a strong case of constipation. He sends his Spanish secretary, who knows little English, to the local hospital. She tells the doctor, "Big President Bush, no shit."
The doctor understands and gives him some medicine to take with him.

The next day, the secretary comes back again and says, "Big President, no shit."

The doctor gives him even stronger medicine. A few days later, the secretary comes yet again and says, "Big President, big no shit."

The doctor gives him the strongest medicine he has.

The next day, the secretary comes back to the doctor and says, "Ba-Boom! Big shit, no President."

FOX HOUND
19-01-2003, 12:24 AM
girl + car = (just download it )
:D :D :D :D :D :D

Link
19-01-2003, 04:29 AM
A married couple is asleep, when the phone rings at two in the morning.
The blonde wife picks up the phone and listens a moment, and then
shouts, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hangs up
the phone. The husband says, "Who was that?" The wife says, "I don't
know . Somebody asking if the coast was clear."

Special
19-01-2003, 11:30 AM
OLD jokes! :D


WHY TEACHERS GO CRAZY TEACHER:
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
__________________________________________________ ___
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
-------------------------------------------------------
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to
keep yours.
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
-------------------------------------------------------
HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
-------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
JOHN: I hope you didn't either.
-------------------------------------------------------
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.


Regards 8)

TheSpecialBoy
19-01-2003, 12:43 PM
I was reading the CONNECT magazine, and I found some interesting jokes. Might be hard to translate them, but they are nice :D

On the 4-th class, all the children are taking an exam.
Subject: What will you do if you are the Boss of a big Multinational GSM Company.

All the kids where writing hard, excepting George, who was looking at the window.
-Why aren`t you writing, George, asked the Teacher?

-I am waiting for my secretary. :D

TheSpecialBoy
19-01-2003, 12:45 PM
Two guys where exploring a mountain.

One of then felt in a cave.
-Are you hurt? screams the person that remained on the ground.
- I am stil falllllllinggggggg. Camed the answer.

:roll:

LAuRA
19-01-2003, 12:47 PM
ouch :( :D

TheSpecialBoy
19-01-2003, 01:26 PM
girl + car = (just download it )
:D :D :D :D :D :D

This is unbelieveble....Damn, Halogen Fluid, Transmision stolen at the mall.....Damn, My wife is blonde, and is driving our new car....did the 10.000 Km revision....Are you shure it wasen`t her? ;)

FOX HOUND
19-01-2003, 11:10 PM
girl + car = (just download it )
:D :D :D :D :D :D

This is unbelieveble....Damn, Halogen Fluid, Transmision stolen at the mall.....Damn, My wife is blonde, and is driving our new car....did the 10.000 Km revision....Are you shure it wasen`t her? ;)
i tryed to teach my sister driving
she maneged to scrach the paint on the car inside the grage while the keys were in my poket :evil:
that's why they don't drive in SA

FOX HOUND
19-01-2003, 11:19 PM
A setback in Iraqi-American relations

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

pandemonium
19-01-2003, 11:59 PM
AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW : Brings Me Women but Breaks My Wallet

FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill

SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything



it's not a joke but can still make someone happy

JyriK
20-01-2003, 12:02 AM
:rofl: That GODZILLA's was definately the best one yet :D :D

How about this :D

TheSpecialBoy
20-01-2003, 10:14 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Do You???

Two women were chatting and one asked the other,

"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

LAuRA
20-01-2003, 10:18 AM
:D :D

LAuRA
20-01-2003, 02:19 PM
How about this

MaleBuffy
20-01-2003, 02:37 PM
LOL, I heared that too some days after the attacks. But I hope (for the huy) this is only a joke! :)

TheSpecialBoy
20-01-2003, 03:49 PM
LOL, I heared that too some days after the attacks. But I hope (for the huy) this is only a joke! :)

Nope, S...t really happends....Sometimes....BBut Hey, the uncaught fief is a honest seller ;)

pandemonium
20-01-2003, 04:11 PM
this is the reason why it is great to have mistress
he should be happy for 2 things that day
1. SEX
2. he stayed alive

TheSpecialBoy
20-01-2003, 04:15 PM
I guess thal Lady was mad to Hell because her husband was not dead, and had to split all the guy money thru a divorce stuff :evil:

FOX HOUND
20-01-2003, 07:11 PM
:D

FOX HOUND
20-01-2003, 07:14 PM
:D

pandemonium
21-01-2003, 01:42 AM
who said nokia isn't the best ?

pandemonium
21-01-2003, 01:44 AM
well.................nobody's perfect

seanmiguel
21-01-2003, 03:20 AM
:D :D :D

TheSpecialBoy
21-01-2003, 08:59 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Be Careful What You Wish For

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

LAuRA
21-01-2003, 11:17 AM
There you see, he should have asked for an older woman :D

Link
21-01-2003, 12:35 PM
:D :D :D

FOX HOUND
21-01-2003, 09:11 PM
:D

FOX HOUND
22-01-2003, 12:32 AM
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.
“Fifty dollars for three questions, ” replied the lawyer.

“Isn't that awfully steep?” asked the man.

“Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”

FOX HOUND
22-01-2003, 12:46 AM
People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. :D :D :D :D :D

Link
22-01-2003, 04:55 AM
R u under any type of medication? :agrue:

LAuRA
22-01-2003, 07:41 AM
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.



The answer sums it up nicely :D :D

pandemonium
22-01-2003, 04:23 PM
hey rafe
please don't make me pay for the add

hianhwee
23-01-2003, 02:39 AM
One here....

A Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul, he must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?

The Singh thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow answer, even
though it's not the answer I expected. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?"

The Singh replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc..."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word.

kobe24
23-01-2003, 09:20 AM
Wow, my jaws are stiff already. Those were a lot of jokes. Hahaha. Where do you get those stuff, SpecialBoy and FoxHound must have tons of it. :D

TheSpecialBoy
23-01-2003, 03:20 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Horse And Chicken In The Meadow

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW 328i back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell in the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW 328i to pick up chicks.

TheSpecialBoy
23-01-2003, 03:40 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Beethoven's Death

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

kobe24
24-01-2003, 12:46 AM
:) :D :D :P

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 12:46 AM
ok that's my last blonde :( :D :D :D

JyriK
25-01-2003, 12:51 AM
:rofl: Good one! :D

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 12:57 AM
wow
he looks soooooooooo haaaaaaaaaappppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i don't know what the hell he's pushing but i want some :D :silly:
and that's one for you all Bad Drivers :D

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 01:03 AM
more to come
BE AFRAID
BE VARY AFRAID :o

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 01:07 AM
An APB On God

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 01:20 AM
:D MAN I"M ON FIRE :D

Call on an Expert

Little Johnny was playing with his father's wallet when he accidently swallowed a quarter. He went crying to him mom, choking on the quarter. They took him to a doctor, who said that the quarter was impossible to remove without surgery, they consulted a specialist who was of the same opinion. Then came a man who said he could get the money out in a jiffy. He turned little Johnny upside down and patted him with great precision on the back of neck and, sure enough, the quarter rolled out. Everyone was amazed, the father said “You must be an expert!” The man replied, “No sir I'm just a tax collector.”
---------------------------------------------------------
Daddy, What Is Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

''Daddy, what is sex?'' The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.'' When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

''Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.''

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 01:35 AM
Gimmie an "R"

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.''
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

ok going to sleep 8)

Link
25-01-2003, 04:24 AM
How about you just send us the link and save everyone the trouble.
:D

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 01:52 PM
How about you just send us the link and save everyone the trouble.
:D
stay away from the link LINK :P

i got to get my one of thes :D :D

MaleBuffy
25-01-2003, 02:41 PM
I have a tutorial in the T3 magazine to build your own! Want it? :D

FOX HOUND
25-01-2003, 10:55 PM
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

:D :D :D

Link
26-01-2003, 09:59 AM
>A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
>HUGE black guy standing next to him.
>
>The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
>feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
>right testicle, Turner Brown."
>
>The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor.
>The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and
>shaking him.
>
>When the little guy finally comes around, the big guy asks him, "What's
>wrong with you?"
>
>In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY
>did you say to me?"
>
>The big dude said, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd
>just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me."
>"I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left
>testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name
>is Turner Brown."
>
>
>The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around.'"
>
>

JyriK
26-01-2003, 03:51 PM
Something from www.somethingawful.com :D
In much needed appliances dept. :D

FOX HOUND
26-01-2003, 10:39 PM
:D

FOX HOUND
27-01-2003, 02:05 AM
Asian Lady

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.
-----------------------------------------------------
Chinese Phone System

Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the phone systems in China?
A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
-----------------------------------------------------
Bungee Jumping In Mexico

Two Americans decide to open a bungee-jumping business in Mexico.
They set up on the square of a small village. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The third time it happens, Bob comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Jeff finally catches him and says, "Holy cow, what happened? Was the cord too long?"

Bob looks confused and says, "No, the cord was fine... but what the heck is a pinata?"

:D :D :D :D

LAuRA
27-01-2003, 10:07 AM
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are actual error messages from Japan.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

FOX HOUND
28-01-2003, 12:43 AM
Bear on a Rampage

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

FOX HOUND
28-01-2003, 12:48 AM
Cat On A Hot Tin Roof

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, ''I'm so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died."
The man was very upset and yelled, ''You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away.''

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

:D

FOX HOUND
28-01-2003, 12:49 AM
Cat in the Way

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

:D :D :D

FOX HOUND
28-01-2003, 12:59 AM
that's for you Link :D

Dog vs. Fox

Q: What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About five drinks.

FOX HOUND
28-01-2003, 01:06 AM
Fairy Tale For Our Times

A Fairy Tale for the Woman of the New Millennium:

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.The frog hopped into the Princess' lap.
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am! Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself.

"I don't f-ing think so."

TheSpecialBoy
28-01-2003, 08:29 AM
About a five drinks diference, I come again.
I was bussy....That was not a joke.

So I think it`s time for.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Rude Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

TheSpecialBoy
28-01-2003, 08:35 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob Knows Everybody

Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."

His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"

Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."

Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."

"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"

They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on in!"

Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen."

"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!"

"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."

"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go."

Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here."

The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"

"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"

"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"

"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.

So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?'"

TheSpecialBoy
28-01-2003, 08:35 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Bob Knows Everybody

Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."

His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"

Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."

Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."

"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"

They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on in!"

Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't know Bruce Springsteen."

"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in Jersey!"

"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."

"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show tomorrow night. Lets go."

Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next song to my good friend Bob here."

The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"

"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"

"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"

"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.

So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing next to Bob?'"

kobe24
28-01-2003, 09:00 AM
Bear on a Rampage

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

I bet you were the one who wore the shoes. :D

FOX HOUND
29-01-2003, 12:01 AM
Bear on a Rampage

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

I bet you were the one who wore the shoes. :D
a dog alive is better than a dead lion :D :D :D

FOX HOUND
29-01-2003, 12:06 AM
good one with the Pope SpecialBoy :D
-----------------------
Assisted Suicide

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''

''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.

Link
29-01-2003, 04:29 AM
good one with the Pope SpecialBoy :D
-----------------------
Assisted Suicide

One day there was a 97 year old woman, who wanted to commit suicide but unfortunately she did not know where her heart was.
So the old woman calls up her doctor and asked,''Where's my heart located?''

''On a woman, it's usually located under her left breast,'' the doctor replied.

The next day the woman was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with a gun shot wound to the knee.

I think I'm going to throw up

TheSpecialBoy
29-01-2003, 12:50 PM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

I Want A Nephew

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby.

"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.

"And why not?" asked Stan.

"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle."

Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, "You're sure you want a nephew?"

"Yes," the brother replied. "It would be an honor."

"Well congratulations, you're holding him."




8)

TheSpecialBoy
29-01-2003, 12:52 PM
---------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S :evil: JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Engineer

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" :evil:

TheSpecialBoy
29-01-2003, 05:23 PM
No Engineers? :D

LAuRA
29-01-2003, 07:02 PM
And no lawers? :D

FOX HOUND
30-01-2003, 02:18 AM
:D :D :D
Condom Size Tester

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

FOX HOUND
30-01-2003, 02:19 AM
Death, Death, Death!

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about how they died. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy says he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife and another man. But when I went inside, I searched and searched for her, but couldn't find anybody. I was stricken with such remorse for accusing my wife of infidelity that I had a heart attack on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd've opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

FOX HOUND
30-01-2003, 02:20 AM
Dead Again

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

FOX HOUND
30-01-2003, 02:21 AM
Deathbed Confession

The was a man who had four kids, all gorgeous, except for the youngest one, Craig, who was nothing short of gruesome.
While on his deathbed, the husband asked his wife, "Marie, tell me one thing. And please be honest. Am I Craig's father?"

"Yes, honey," replied his wife. "I promise you, Craig is 100 percent yours."

"I can die a happy man. Godbye my love."

And the man peacefully passed away.

Marie gave a big sigh and said quietly, "Thank heaven almighty he didn't ask me about the other three."

TheSpecialBoy
31-01-2003, 08:38 AM
----------------------------------------------------------------------
TODAY'S JOKE:
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Strawberry Fertilizer

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."



----------------------------------------------------------------------

kobe24
31-01-2003, 08:59 AM
:smilecolros:

Thanks for the daily dose. :D

TANKERx
31-01-2003, 02:46 PM
I thought this was kind of cute....

TheSpecialBoy
31-01-2003, 03:10 PM
taken from muffy series :D

TANKERx
31-01-2003, 09:42 PM
:oops: Sorry! I didn't know it had been posted elsewhere!

TheSpecialBoy
01-02-2003, 10:30 PM
It haven`t` exce[ting the Cats.

Damn, The Vhivas Regal 18Years a[[eared to me this night whenI am to ski mountains, so Monday I will have to delerte some posts..Hmm, Laura woill nbe happy ;) :roll:

FOX HOUND
01-02-2003, 11:23 PM
Rejected US Army Slogans

"Kill All That You Can Kill"
"Shower With Men"

"Knock Up Foreign Broads"

"All The Grits You Can Eat"

"Be A Flame Thrower, Not A Flame Broiler"

"Purple Hearts = Free Beers At Hooters"

"Whimsical And Human, Just Like M*A*S*H"

"Cubicles Are For Wusses"

"Napalm Means Serious BBQ"

"Over 1,000,000 Sheared, Beaten, And Worked Into A Sub-Human Fury!"

"Totally Beefcake and Proud of It"

"Beat Up Sailors"

"We Won''t Screw Your Mind Up As Bad As The Marines Will"

"Kicking Nazi Tail Since 1942"

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Accessorize"

“Risk Your Life for Freedoms No One Appreciates!"

"Play Doom… For Real!"

"Sure Beats Lurnin''!"

"Because Terminators Are Real"

FOX HOUND
01-02-2003, 11:26 PM
Computer Breasts

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

o o a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|oo| android breasts

FOX HOUND
01-02-2003, 11:29 PM
Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

:D :D :D

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 12:04 AM
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 12:05 AM
Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 12:13 AM
A Crappy Date (A True Story)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 12:14 AM
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 12:19 AM
Cartwheeling for Cash

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

FOX HOUND
02-02-2003, 03:06 AM
:D
it's old but still works
:D :D :D

FOX HOUND
02-02-2003, 03:09 AM
:o :o :o

LAuRA
02-02-2003, 10:49 AM
I thought this was kind of cute....

Veeery cute :D
I haven't seen it before, so I don't think it's been posted. I tend to follow the cat topic carefully.
Most of the cat pics are in the 'Malebuffy at work' thread (for reasons unknown, cause MBuffy is not a cat person... or maybe that is the reason... ;) )

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 11:09 AM
:oops:

pandemonium
02-02-2003, 11:11 AM
check out the babes

FOX HOUND
03-02-2003, 01:47 AM
for cat lovers :D :D :D

FOX HOUND
03-02-2003, 01:50 AM
Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

:D :D :D

FOX HOUND
03-02-2003, 01:57 AM
Executive Decision

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "You've shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell."
"I don't know!" she flounders.

"Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity."

"Okay then," she says. "I'll start with heaven since I'm here already."

She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.

The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.

Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.

After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.

After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.

At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.

The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Well, have you made your decision?" He asks.

"I've decided on hell," she announces.

"So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.

Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.

"What happened!?!" She exclaimed.

"Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

FOX HOUND
03-02-2003, 02:03 AM
Hilarious Signs

Over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

TheSpecialBoy
03-02-2003, 05:48 PM
A husband discovers that his wife is trying to poison him. He thought they had a good marriage and couldn't figure out why she would do such a thing, so he makes an appointment for her to see a marriage councilor. He arranged an appointment for her the next day at 1:00pm. After waiting hours for a call from the councilor, he calls the councilor's office at 4:30pm. He asked the councilor what he should do about the situation. The councilor replied "After over 3 hours of talking with your wife, my advice to you it to take the poison!"

pandemonium
03-02-2003, 07:45 PM
Yo mama's so fat, she wore an X-Files T-shirt and a helicopter landed on her.

pandemonium
03-02-2003, 07:51 PM
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

pandemonium
03-02-2003, 07:53 PM
The Poopie List

Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.

Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.

Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.

Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.

The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!

The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

pandemonium
03-02-2003, 07:55 PM
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.

The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once again, he had to go to the bathroom.

He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''

The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''

Special
03-02-2003, 10:39 PM
Top 10 Answering machine Messages! 8)


10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.


7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

FOX HOUND
04-02-2003, 12:01 AM
12 Shots

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

FOX HOUND
04-02-2003, 12:03 AM
Give Me A Double

So this guy walks into a bar and says, "Gve me two beers."
The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, "Give me two more beers."

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, "What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?"

So the man opens his wallet and says, "The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets."

FOX HOUND
04-02-2003, 12:08 AM
This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.

“Hey, what's that?”

“A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!”

“Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?” :D :D :D

pandemonium
04-02-2003, 12:52 AM
Bubba Died in a Fire

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'

pandemonium
04-02-2003, 12:53 AM
Smokin' Dope

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.

So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.

''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.

''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.

''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

pandemonium
04-02-2003, 12:56 AM
The Blind Guy Polemic

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

pandemonium
04-02-2003, 12:59 AM
Split Up The Middle

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

jamella
04-02-2003, 01:36 AM
Since I got few feedbacks, I just wonder.. Shall I stop posting jokes?

Hm.. I guess I am just passing a Low Inner Confidence these Days :roll:


just keep on posting man! you dont know how you make us laugh with all those jokes!!! :D :D :D :D :D

jamella
04-02-2003, 03:05 AM
i also have one but very simple one.


it's funny when you go to a resto for a cup of coffee and the scenario would be like this:


You: waiter! 1 black coffee pls.

waiter: with cream?


:roll:

jamella
04-02-2003, 03:13 AM
here's another scenario. you're the boss and you're in the office with your secretary:

you : coffee, please.

secretary: sir what kind of coffee would you like?

you: any kind of coffee will do as long as it's not decaf.

after 5 mins. your secretary will serve you your coffee that was prepared in a glass....

you : why is my coffee served in a glass?

sec: sir, it's because I asked you a while ago about the kind of coffee that you would like, then you said any kind of coffee will do as long as it's not decaf, that's why i served your coffee as de glass and not decup. :roll:

Edgedale
04-02-2003, 04:10 AM
Helpdesk Nightmares


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "OK."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." (At
this
point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support
staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got
back to the call.)

Tech Support: "OK, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


_____


One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing,
and I'm not going to read the book."


_____


Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error message."

Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

_____


Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

_____


Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

_____


Customer: "Huh...I need help unpacking my new PC."

Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"

Customer: "I can't open the box."

Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from
there."

Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."

_____


Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or
file
name'."

Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:/ and type
'dir'."

Customer: reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.

Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."

Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."

Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place - it can't help
but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the
Enter key?"

Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or
file name'."

Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"

Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key...does that matter?

_____


At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."

Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
outage."

Customer: "What is that?"

Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."

Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ..."

_____


And the best for last!!!!

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
now
my A: drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my
drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did
you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That
didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that
got
it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you
would send me a disk that was broken and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
drive
and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
other
techs to listen in.

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what
you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out,
then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
button?"

Silence.

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going
to
sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we
sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your
user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to
pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have
a nice day."

Edgedale
04-02-2003, 04:12 AM
Yo brothers... i really got something danm funny to share with you all. It's totally non-symbian related stuff.


(We take you now to the Oval Office. Condoleezza Rice just entered.)

George: :D Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: :D Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: :D Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: :) That's what I want to know.

Condi: ;) That's what I'm telling you.

George: :-? That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: :) Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: :D Hu.

George: :-? The new leader of China.

Condi: :D Hu.

George: :x The Chinaman!

Condi: :D Hu is leading China.

George: :x Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: :P I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: :o That's the man's name.

George: :x That's who's name?

Condi: 8) Yes.

George: :x Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: :D Yes, sir.

George: :x Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: :D That's correct.

George: :o Then who is in China?

Condi: :P Yes, sir.

George: :-? Yassir is in China?

Condi: :) No, sir.

George: :x Then who is?

Condi: :D Yes, sir.

George: :evil: Yassir?

Condi: :D No, sir.

George: :evil: :evil: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: :P Kofi?

George: :evil: :evil: :x No, thanks.

Condi: :D You want Kofi?

George: :x No.

Condi: :P You don't want Kofi.

George: :x :x :evil: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: :D Yes, sir.

George: :evil: :x Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: :o Kofi?

George: :evil: :x Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: :o And call who?

George: :evil: :x Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: :D Hu is the guy in China.

George: :evil: :x Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: :-? Yes, sir.

George: :evil: :x And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: :o Kofi.

George: :x All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: :D Rice, here.

MaleBuffy
04-02-2003, 04:24 AM
I dont knwo why but this looks familiar....

Edgedale
04-02-2003, 05:51 AM
That's becoz i posted in the Admin group before. Now i wanna share this stupid joke to all our users :D
I dont knwo why but this looks familiar....