View Full Version : Avatar's and Classic Brit Comedy


Ewan
29-08-2002, 08:41 PM
I have decided that TankerX's new avatar amkes him a Stars in their Eyes contender as Mr Gumby from "Monty Python's Flying Circus.

Discuss (100 words), as my Media Studies teacher would say.

TANKERx
30-08-2002, 09:40 AM
I sent that photo to my boss to let her know hoiw upset I was at the prospect of being late for my afternoon shift due the the fact that my car was in the garage for longer than expected.

It think I convinced her that my distress was great ;)

Apparently, my front wheels didn't have bushes. No, they weren't worn down - they simply weren't there! Hmmmmmmm

I trust the garage I go to because they have often said "No, you don't need that". My alternator was making a funny noise so I took my car to the garage and asked them to fit a new one (lots of for them). The chap told me that if it was his car, he wouldn't bother and that it sounded Ok.

I've even seen women driving in asking for new tyres and the machanic says "you don't need new tyres yet, come back after another 2,000 miles".

So, I figure when they tell me that I do need something, they're pretty honest. Oh, and when they give me an estimate, they are either right on with the final price, or less - never more. And when I buy things like tyres, if the price has gone up, they look on their records for what I paid last and charge me that if its less.

Anyway. so Alan Titchmarsh has gotten me a bush or two to put on my wishbones. Very nice they are too. The bgiggest advantage I find is that when I break, it no longer has the same effect as turning the wheel left. Quite novel that, breaking and not automatically turning left.

Also, my car doesn't shake any more when I do in excess of 69.9 mph on the motorway (didn't you know we have a motorway in Wales, and the occasional Dual Carriageway).

Anyway......


NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT......

SwitchBlade
30-08-2002, 12:33 PM
Discuss (100 words), as my Media Studies teacher would say.

100 words!?!?? I wasn't expecting the Spanish inquisition!


*surprise, shock, horror entrance* NO-ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!


Nah I can't be bothered to type out a full Spanish Inquisition sketch.

Ewan
30-08-2002, 01:24 PM
raham Chapman: Trouble at mill. Carol Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Cleveland: Pardon? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying. Chapman: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle. Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean? Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say
that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a
kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain (Palin) enters, flanked by
two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles (Jones) has goggles pushed over his
forehead. Cardinal Fang (Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two
weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an
almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no...
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as
fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals burst in)
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To
Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it. Biggles: What? Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles: (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...
(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again)
Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The cardinals enter)
Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um.... Ximinez: Expects... Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact,
those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and -- Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!
...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal,
read the charges. Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--' Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead? Cleveland: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!
(Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and
clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover
his anger)
Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Ximinez: Right! How do you plead? Cleveland: Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn.
(Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Biggles: I.... Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say
anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid. Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack)
(Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde).
Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy
by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action --
*four* counts. Do you confess? Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE SOFT CUSHIONS! (JARRING CHORD)
(Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Biggles: Here they are, lord. Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin
of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And
you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last
chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about. Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the
soft cushions!
(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord. Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez (angrily hurling away the cushions): Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft
cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!
(They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Ximinez (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.
(aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?
Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: I confess! Ximinez: Not you!

SwitchBlade
30-08-2002, 01:31 PM
I'm sorry but I think this thread is starting to get silly, the first bit was ok about the spot TANKERx as a Gumby, and the breif crack at the Spanish Inquisition was amusing, but now it's just getting silly. Right next sketch.....

happygeek
04-09-2002, 04:11 PM
Is this the 5 thread?